It Only Happened Once

I had a bad dream…and then I forgot about it.

I’m a lawyer and a Gemini. I rationalize everything. I visualize scenarios and play out conversations in my mind. Rational analysis is key. The wheels never stop turning. My mind never shuts down. I’m a lawyer and have practiced criminal law for the better part of my legal career. I have represented a myriad of people. I’ve been a bondsman. I’ve clerked for judges. Nothing surprises me or even gets under my skin like it really should. So, why on Earth did I have a dream about being pulled over by a cop on a dark road with creepy white fog?

It was a scene out of any legit scary movie. It could have been a scene out of Texas Chainsaw Massacre when he was chasing the girl through the forest at night. The absurdity of that should be unsettling. And it was. The terror that griped me in my sleep, in the cloak of darkness was enough to wake me up in a cold sweat, heart ready to leap from my chest, bewildered by what I’d just felt. Me. Attorney. Criminal attorney. I never in a million lifetimes thought I would ever feel terror upon encountering a cop. But I did and I feel so many emotions. Shame. Anger. Sadness. Confusion. I interact with police of a daily basis and I never thought that I, with my gold bar card that lets the masses know I’m a lawyer, would ever feel terror and paralyzing fear from being pulled over by a cop.

My dream manifested itself into the world of the living. I’m almost embarrassed to share this because it was just a dream, and then a couple weeks ago, I was driving down the street and I saw a police car at a restaurant waiting to come onto the street. I remember thinking to myself, I hope they don’t pull out behind me. But they did and I tensed up. I gripped the steering wheel so tight, I felt a cramp in my hand. Once I passed the bar exam, I never worried about getting pulled over or approached by police for any reason. I was totally unbothered. But a police car pulled behind me while I was driving and I tensed up…a light coat of sweat developed. I was scared and it was one of the worst feelings and I’m appalled at myself. I wasn’t scared because I thought I was going to get a ticket, I was scared because I didn’t know how an encounter would end or if something might go terribly wrong. I don’t want to be a hashtag that people argue over or make political stands over. The embarrassment I felt from being scared infuriates me and I’m almost disgusted, constantly looking at my speedometer to make sure I wasn’t doing anything that could remotely get me pulled over. I didn’t release the steering wheel from my death grip until they turned down a different street.

I sat up a little taller, I released the breath I didn’t know I was holding, I rolled my neck a couple times, and it was at that moment I realized I had been scared. They probably weren’t even paying any attention to me, but all my attention was on them.

Ever felt that way? Ever tensed up when a police car got behind your car for more than a couple minutes going down the road? Ever been afraid of being pulled over by a cop not because you thought you were doing anything wrong or would get a ticket, but because something a little more sinister might happen? Yeah…me neither. Until I did.