“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.” ―Anaïs Nin
I was bored last week. Naturally, a friend of mine told me to go on this website and answer a series of questions to determine my love language. *shrugs* Right. I’m not sure how that came about, but I was bored. So, why the heck not?
Almost immediately, I was not happy with this 5 love languages business. Basically, you’re given two statements at a time and you’re supposed to pick the statement that you like the best. What was my problem? Obviously, it was the fact that I had to pick an option and there were only two and sometimes I liked both equally. Talk about anxiety. This was supposed to be something fun to pass the time, not cause me stress. But I digress…I grudgingly finished the rests of the statement picking and when I got to the scores, I didn’t agree. Of course I didn’t agree because I know me so well, right? Not so much.
Quality time and acts of service? Say what? I am a person of touch for sure, but then I thought about it and I’m really not. There has been one significant other that I just constantly had to physically touch in some shape, form, or fashion. It could be a simple brush of the hand. I craved touching him. Even when sleeping or taking a nap, I had to have my hand on his arm or his chest. In hindsight, whenever we were touching, I felt calm. I’m not exactly sure why, I just did. And then my friends are normally the ones that initiate hugs, although I do appreciate hugging those close to me. After thinking about it, I realized the hugs come from the other party more often than not. Hmm…and then I read the brief descriptions of the two love languages at the top that I fall under and…yeah, that’s me. I think this is insight into how we interact with people in general, but when applied to your close relationships, it helps to know who you are, things that are important to you, things that drive you and what you do for and towards others.
Quality Time
“In Quality Time, nothing says ‘I love you’ like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes you feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed activities, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Whether it’s spending uninterrupted time talking with someone else or doing activities together, you deepen your connection with others through sharing time.”
I used to get extremely upset with a guy I was seeing because he was constantly on his phone. It really burned me up. I’m sure if I was a cartoon character, steam would have been billowing out of my ears. It really upset me when we went places or did things together, like if we were somewhere together and his eyes would be glued to that damn phone. Sometimes, I would feel bad for how upset I would get about it, but I always felt like the phone was more important than me and if the phone was more important than me, then I wasn’t important at all. Now that I understand why those things angered me so much, I wish I could have communicated that, but we won’t get into my communication issues when it comes to the opposite sex and relationships. That’s a topic for another day.
There it is in black and white. I feel loved when those I care about spend meaningful quality time with me. That means I like to be fully engaged with the person I’m spending time with. No candy crush, no texting, no facebooking, no tweeting, no instagraming, or any other ing I can think of if it doesn’t involve me having your undivided attention. I never knew why it was important to me in a relationship to go and do stuff together and now I do. It’s pretty cool when you learn something about yourself that helps you understand why you do certain things and react to things differently. Know yourself so you can help others understand you and try to know others so you can understand why they do certain things and react certain ways to things. Understanding seems to be the key.
Acts of Service
“Can helping with homework really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most wants to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter. When others serve you out of love (and not obligation), you feel truly valued and loved.”
I asked a guy I was seeing if he would take my car and fill it up for me. I can’t remember why he didn’t do it, but I do remember the disappointment I felt in him not doing it. I remember thinking, wow, if he asked me to do something for him, I would do it, no questions asked because I care about him. Clearly he doesn’t care about me. After I thought that, I remember feeling like maybe I was being a bit extreme to jump to that conclusion, but nonetheless, that’s how I felt. Maybe there is some truth to this 5 love languages stuff. I give a lot of myself to others in the form of service and a lot of times, I don’t get anything in return.
For the most part, I don’t notice. I do things for people because I care and it makes me feel good when I do things for others. However, I tend to get extremely disappointed and hurt when the few times I actually asks for some sort of favor or just plain ‘ol common courtesy and consideration from others only to not receive it. I can get very agitated and irritable to the point that I shutdown and don’t speak about it and it affects everything around me.
Another thing that sets me off is cancelling on set plans without giving advanced notice. And by advanced notice, I don’t mean half a day before for something that you knew a week ahead of time or a few hours before barring an emergency. In my mind, when someone cancels an appointment on me when it’s not an emergency or something important or an illness, it comes off as something came up last minute, like another person wanting to do something, and you decided that the time blocked off for me wasn’t important enough to keep, so you just blew me off. Cue angry, mad black woman.
I’m not gonna lie. Me angry is not an easy thing to deal with because I can become spiteful, hurtful, extreme (i.e. taking something back I may have gotten for you or refusing to do something I said I would do out of spite…yeah, like I said, me angry is not nice) I may not yell or scream or fuss, but I will do something that can in turn make the other person upset. I am still a work in progress and I do try and take a step back instead of being impulsive. Ya know, that whole act now, think later thing? Yeah, that. I’ve gotten a lot better and I keep getting better with age.
Who knew that people doing simple things for me is one of the two ways I feel most loved and appreciated. I mean, I know now, looking back over past interactions where I’ve wanted or needed someone to do something for me, just to take away a little stress or just to help me out a little and the strong feelings of disappointment, resentment, and anger that resulted when those acts never happened. These little things seemed to make me blow up and I can see how I felt like if someone didn’t do something for me, it translated to them not caring about me or loving me, as if to say, I wasn’t worth them doing anything nice for. Again, that probably wasn’t the case, but for someone whose love language is acts of service, it was a big deal. Hindsight is 20/20 they say. I sure wish I knew these things about myself before. I think of a lot of relationships (friendships being a form of a relationship) that could have been mended with these revelations…maybe not, but might have helped.
So many people drift apart because of misunderstandings and misconceptions or misguided perceptions. If we would just take the time to try and understand one another, maybe the world would be a better place. Kumbaya? Come together in peace and unity? Okay…maybe not the world collectively, but one by one, starting with me. If you're curious, google the 5 love languages and find out where you fall on the spectrum. Until next time.
The only thing we never get enough of is love; and the only thing we never give enough of is love. – Henry Miller