30 Days of Thankfulness in Reverse

It is not happy people who are thankful. It is thankful people who are happy.

- Unknown

Last month, I joined in on Facebook with all others who were doing 30 days of thanks. The following are the things I was thankful for in the moment. Reading back over them is like some weird window into my being. It’s kind of unnerving. I have these moments of clarity when I read over something I’ve written. I call it weird because it’s unnerving when you can understand pieces of yourself and see them so clearly. But I digress…

Day 30: I'm thankful for having safe traveling grace on the trips I've taken.

Day 29: Naps. I took a nap today after temporary insanity set in and I shopped last night and this morning. That feeling you have when you wake up from a nap is a tiny bit of euphoria.

Day 28: Family, family, family. Enough said.

Day 27: I feel like my giving, compassionate nature, empathy, and kindness at heart can sometimes lead to other people taking advantage of that or using me for their own benefit. But, it has allowed me to build relationships with fantastic friends that I love so much. I can't wait to get home to see my people! Some of us are coming from out of town and others never left, but I shall see as many people as I can!

Day 26: Variety. Life would be dull without it. I can't be put in a box. That's probably why I feel like I can't figure myself out at times. My likes and interest vary all the time. Variety is the spice of life. Here's some food for thought

Day 25: Cooking. I know how to do it. Let the church say...Amen!

Day 24: Thankful that I can laugh through a lot of stuff. Otherwise, I think I'd be consumed by despair, grief, hurt, and sadness

Day 23: My life could be bad, but it's not. Thank God for that. It's freezing outside and I could be under a bridge....let that sink in

Day 22: I'm thankful I work. I don't know how people don't work. I would be bored out of my mind and restless. There's only so much tv and internet surfing you can do before you start to lose your mind.

Day 21: Gifts of talent bestowed upon others. The world is full of people who create the most beautiful, inspiring, emotional, and imaginative pieces of art in the form of paintings, pictures, movies, books, and music. I'm thankful for these people's gifts and that they share them with us daily.

Day 20: Thankful that there are people I interact with daily that I can hold intelligent conversations with

Day 19: Thankful for knowing what's important in life. Remember. Don't forget. Tomorrow is not promised. Don't be too busy for God, family and friends. Cherish all moments.

Day 18: Adaptability. The ability to maintain one's self in a multitude of situations without having a nervous breakdown

Day 17: I'm thankful for a strong, determined spirit. I will not let anyone or anything drag me down and keep me from what God has for me. If He is truly the leader of your life, all things will fall into place. If He's not, you will forever find yourself in situations that do nothing but keep you down and out.

Day 16: Though they may try and walk all over you, use you and treat you badly, persist in doing kind things for others. It makes your heart glad.

Day 15: I'm not who I used to be, but I'm not who I will be, yet

Day 14: I am easily amused. I love to laugh and laughing keeps you from getting too far into negativity. I don't stay down for long and I have my sense of humor to thank for that.

Day 13: I'm thankful that I've been taught how to improvise and figure out how to solve problems when they come

Day 12: Deliver us from losers. And I've been delivered every time

Day 11: I'm thankful for the freedom that has been given, protected by others who don't even know I exist

Day 10: At times, being able to get over anger as quickly as it comes

Day 9: I'm thankful that I am in a position to splurge on my parents.

Day 8: I am eternally thankful for my upbringing. Not everyone grows up in a comfortable environment.

Day 7: I am OH so thankful for Scandal. And that's not EVEN a joke.

Day 6: As much as I always joke about being in the wrong profession, I'm thankful for what I do

Day 5: I am thankful for the people that I call friends. They are a lively bunch and everyone has different personalities and opinions, but they have always had my back and I know I can count on them just like family

Day 4: I am thankful to be able to maintain a roof over my head, clothes on my back, and food in my belly

Day 3: I'm thankful that He always makes a way out of no way, especially when I'm the reason that there's suddenly no way.

Day 1 and 2: I'm thankful for my health and also for my mom and dad

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To Know Me is To Love Me

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.”  ―Anaïs Nin

I was bored last week. Naturally, a friend of mine told me to go on this website and answer a series of questions to determine my love language. *shrugs* Right. I’m not sure how that came about, but I was bored. So, why the heck not?

Almost immediately, I was not happy with this 5 love languages business. Basically, you’re given two statements at a time and you’re supposed to pick the statement that you like the best. What was my problem? Obviously, it was the fact that I had to pick an option and there were only two and sometimes I liked both equally. Talk about anxiety. This was supposed to be something fun to pass the time, not cause me stress. But I digress…I grudgingly finished the rests of the statement picking and when I got to the scores, I didn’t agree. Of course I didn’t agree because I know me so well, right? Not so much.

Quality time and acts of service? Say what? I am a person of touch for sure, but then I thought about it and I’m really not. There has been one significant other that I just constantly had to physically touch in some shape, form, or fashion. It could be a simple brush of the hand. I craved touching him. Even when sleeping or taking a nap, I had to have my hand on his arm or his chest. In hindsight, whenever we were touching, I felt calm. I’m not exactly sure why, I just did. And then my friends are normally the ones that initiate hugs, although I do appreciate hugging those close to me. After thinking about it, I realized the hugs come from the other party more often than not. Hmm…and then I read the brief descriptions of the two love languages at the top that I fall under and…yeah, that’s me. I think this is insight into how we interact with people in general, but when applied to your close relationships, it helps to know who you are, things that are important to you, things that drive you and what you do for and towards others.

Quality Time

“In Quality Time, nothing says ‘I love you’ like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes you feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed activities, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Whether it’s spending uninterrupted time talking with someone else or doing activities together, you deepen your connection with others through sharing time.”

I used to get extremely upset with a guy I was seeing because he was constantly on his phone. It really burned me up. I’m sure if I was a cartoon character, steam would have been billowing out of my ears. It really upset me when we went places or did things together, like if we were somewhere together and his eyes would be glued to that damn phone. Sometimes, I would feel bad for how upset I would get about it, but I always felt like the phone was more important than me and if the phone was more important than me, then I wasn’t important at all. Now that I understand why those things angered me so much, I wish I could have communicated that, but we won’t get into my communication issues when it comes to the opposite sex and relationships. That’s a topic for another day.

There it is in black and white. I feel loved when those I care about spend meaningful quality time with me. That means I like to be fully engaged with the person I’m spending time with. No candy crush, no texting, no facebooking, no tweeting, no instagraming, or any other ing I can think of if it doesn’t involve me having your undivided attention. I never knew why it was important to me in a relationship to go and do stuff together and now I do. It’s pretty cool when you learn something about yourself that helps you understand why you do certain things and react to things differently. Know yourself so you can help others understand you and try to know others so you can understand why they do certain things and react certain ways to things. Understanding seems to be the key.

  Acts of Service

“Can helping with homework really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most wants to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter. When others serve you out of love (and not obligation), you feel truly valued and loved.”

I asked a guy I was seeing if he would take my car and fill it up for me. I can’t remember why he didn’t do it, but I do remember the disappointment I felt in him not doing it. I remember thinking, wow, if he asked me to do something for him, I would do it, no questions asked because I care about him. Clearly he doesn’t care about me.  After I thought that, I remember feeling like maybe I was being a bit extreme to jump to that conclusion, but nonetheless, that’s how I felt. Maybe there is some truth to this 5 love languages stuff. I give a lot of myself to others in the form of service and a lot of times, I don’t get anything in return.

For the most part, I don’t notice. I do things for people because I care and it makes me feel good when I do things for others. However, I tend to get extremely disappointed and hurt when the few times I actually asks for some sort of favor or just plain ‘ol common courtesy and consideration from others only to not receive it. I can get very agitated and irritable to the point that I shutdown and don’t speak about it and it affects everything around me.

Another thing that sets me off is cancelling on set plans without giving advanced notice. And by advanced notice, I don’t mean half a day before for something that you knew a week ahead of time or a few hours before barring an emergency. In my mind, when someone cancels an appointment on me when it’s not an emergency or something important or an illness, it comes off as something came up last minute, like another person wanting to do something, and you decided that the time blocked off for me wasn’t important enough to keep, so you just blew me off. Cue angry, mad black woman.

I’m not gonna lie. Me angry is not an easy thing to deal with because I can become spiteful, hurtful, extreme (i.e. taking something back I may have gotten for you or refusing to do something I said I would do out of spite…yeah, like I said, me angry is not nice) I may not yell or scream or fuss, but I will do something that can in turn make the other person upset. I am still a work in progress and I do try and take a step back instead of being impulsive. Ya know, that whole act now, think later thing? Yeah, that. I’ve gotten a lot better and I keep getting better with age.

Who knew that people doing simple things for me is one of the two ways I feel most loved and appreciated. I mean, I know now, looking back over past interactions where I’ve wanted or needed someone to do something for me, just to take away a little stress or just to help me out a little and the strong feelings of disappointment, resentment, and anger that resulted when those acts never happened. These little things seemed to make me blow up and I can see how I felt like if someone didn’t do something for me, it translated to them not caring about me or loving me, as if to say, I wasn’t worth them doing anything nice for. Again, that probably wasn’t the case, but for someone whose love language is acts of service, it was a big deal. Hindsight is 20/20 they say. I sure wish I knew these things about myself before. I think of a lot of relationships (friendships being a form of a relationship) that could have been mended with these revelations…maybe not, but might have helped.

So many people drift apart because of misunderstandings and misconceptions or misguided perceptions. If we would just take the time to try and understand one another, maybe the world would be a better place. Kumbaya? Come together in peace and unity? Okay…maybe not the world collectively, but one by one, starting with me. If you're curious, google the 5 love languages and find out where you fall on the spectrum. Until next time. 

The only thing we never get enough of is love; and the only thing we never give enough of is love. – Henry Miller

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This Blog is like a Box of Chocolates

Past experience: He who never makes mistakes never did anything that’s worthy. 

– Miscellaneous fortune cookie

I already know…it’s been an extremely long time since I’ve done any scribbling. But here I am after unwinding from the day and taking a relaxing, hot shower.

I realize that writing for me is an outlet. Writing allows me to get out my random thoughts and ponder over them before verbalizing anything. It works for me.

I continue to make mistakes, I’m sure. The only bad thing about making a mistake besides the mistake itself is not knowing if you’ve made a mistake in the first place.

I clearly do not understand the male species or maybe I’ve just run across anomalies. There have been several men in my life that I was not able to figure out. Just when I think I got it, I obviously was off. Note to self, don’t try to figure any of them out, it’s exhausting. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

I have friends that are married and what I’ve learned is that up until now, I was not ready for what it takes to be in a relationship of that stature. Note to self, don’t try to force a commitment when one or both person(s) are not truly ready. Everyone handles life differently and prepares for the chapters of life at differing speeds. Know your speed limit and stay in your lane until the time is right to switch gears.

Failure does not define you unless you don’t get back up and try again. Failure can lead to the most rewarding life that is more than you ever imagined. Don’t believe me? Just watch.

Fear can be paralyzing and it grips even the fearless at times. For me, fear manifests itself when I’m presented with an opportunity and I have to make a decision. If you know me, you know I don’t do well with making decisions most of the time. I will call my best friend and ask her “what do I want to eat?” during the day. True story. So…when it comes to my career and stepping into situations that will have lingering effects…it’s daunting and fear grips me and holds me stagnant. I suppose I should just take the plunge, but the “what ifs” creep in. Note to self? The struggle is real.

   

I make pop culture references throughout my conversations. I just thought I’d throw that random tidbit in here, as if this entire page isn’t riddled with randomness right now. My thoughts move a mile a minute.

I’m determined to get this body of mine back right. I’m on it like 4 flats to the ground. Working out doesn’t happen for me unless I’m accountable to someone else to be there at the gym. Motivation for me is knowing someone else is depending on me being there and I show up.

I have about 3 novellas that I’ve started writing and have not completed any of them. One of them I’ve been writing for over 6 years. Who knows if any of them will ever be completed. *Kanye shrug*

All in all, I give this whole life thing a resounding 10. I may not be where I want to be, but I continue to be blessed with what I need when I need it. Shout out to J.C. for always being in my corner no matter what. I’m so glad He doesn’t give up on me or cast me aside like man.

And now, I come to the end of my rambling. Maybe I wasn’t as profound this go around, but I just felt the need to put thoughts to virtual paper. Until next time…remember kids…

 “there's heroes and there's legends. Heroes get remembered but legends never die, follow your heart kid, and you'll never go wrong.” – The Sandlot 

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To my Heavenly Father…

Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile. –Jeremiah 29: 12-14

I’m not sure if there’s a true right way or wrong way to come to You. I keep hearing that maybe there is…? I’m not sure as I’m unsure of a lot of things in my life right now, everything but You. I come the only way I know how that feels right to me. I just…come to talk to You. I should probably seek these conversations with You more often and I find shame in my inadequacies even though I know I will never be perfect. I feel like You have always been there, even when I couldn’t feel You. The times where I felt like I was alone, I didn’t have to be if I had just sought Your warm embrace. I’m learning that so much of this is about choices we make. You allow your children to make decisions, even if they’re the wrong ones, but You’re there to pick up the pieces, no questions asked. For that I am forever indebted, forever love You, forever want You with me because there is nothing if there is no You.

I feel I have failed You in some way and often times I feel like I have failed You all the time. I’m lost, Father. I’m lost and I don’t want to be lost anymore. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I think I’ve finally realized that I’ve been floating through life, stumbling onto different paths here and there with no thought to the direction I intended to follow. Please guide me, please direct me to my purpose. Nothing feels right, nothing goes right and I think it’s because I’m not fulfilling my purpose in life. We’re all called to do something? You have given each of us different gifts to harness. I just want to feel whole and complete. I know I will forever grow and gain wisdom with age, but to be complete is to have an inner peace that stills the resolve of any troubled man or woman.

Happiness seems fleeting and so I seek You above all else. I ache for You to fill any and all voids. I put all things in Your hands because I am weary from trying to do it on my own with my own understanding. My own understanding will get me nowhere. I know my faith in You has not faltered. I worry, but I know that in the end everything turns out as it should and everything has its purpose and reason for coming to pass.

I’m humbled by my shortcomings. I strive to live my life according to the teachings of Your word. You are worthy of more than I could ever say or do. You are light when there is dark. You are happiness where there is sorrow. You are strength when there is weakness. You are life where there is death. I thank You for Your mercy. I thank You for the blessings already received and for the protection from harm given to me and for all that You will still do even though I don’t deserve it.

I release all problems and situations beyond my control to you that I may unburden my heart and soul. I need to learn how to let go of that which is not for me to fix and ask for the gift of discernment to know for what I am to act. I feel like I’m lighter and getting all of this off my chest is something I should have done a long time ago, but I know I’m still a work in progress and with that, I’m drained.

In Jesus name…Amen.

A Psalm of David, when he was in the wilderness of Judah. O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water. – Psalm 63:1

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2013 is in full effect

It's a new year and every year a lot of people start making resolutions. Me? No resolutions. I just want to do better, be better. I'd like to find a church home, for starters. I'd also like to get some of my confidence back. I don't care what most people think and it has never bothered me if someone thought I was too cocky or overly confident. Why? because I know I'm not perfect, but I know I can do anything that I work at and I can do it with excellence if I try and master it. And I will conquer and master anything I decide I'm going to do.

2012 threw me for a major loop. I had a lot of downs and lots more uncertainty. I feel like I aged 10 years in the span of one. I've got a couple more gray hairs floating around, but I'm not sure that counts for much since I've had gray hair since I was 10. But I digress...what I know is that life is not predictable no matter how much you try and control things. It's a daily struggle to remember to trust in God with all thy heart. He will never leave you and He can always be leaned on.

In 2013, I want to take things in stride. I want to be more calm in the midst of the storms that come to wreck  havoc in my world. I want to be ready to receive the blessings that I've prayed for.

So, here's to a new year without any resolutions. I just want to be a better me.

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