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If you're reading this, then somehow you stumbled into my tiny corner of the web. There is no over arching scheme to this. It's just a blog by a woman with jumbled thoughts that spill out from time to time. I'm all over the place and I'm sure that will shine brightly throughout my writing. I'm not sure if any of that said anything about me... Lawyer. Texan. Gemini. Aggie. That did ;)

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Thursday, December 29, 2016

What Happened to All Her Words?

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“Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind.” 
– Rudyard Kipling

I’ve been struck by the longest streak of writer’s block and I’ve been suspended in a perpetual state of limbo ever since the block gripped me. I’m floating, watching everyone shine and sparkle from the shadows. Meanwhile, my penmanship remains dusty and littered with cobwebs. Sometimes, it feels like being on an isolated island with an unobstructed view of the world, observing everything from outside, window shopping, at a standstill while time passes you by. But time waits for no one.

And so, here I sit, at a table at a cafĂ© trying to get my grove back like Stella. Writing came easy to me and even when it didn’t, I could churn out a poem with ease. I want that back. I’m not exactly sure what happened or where my mojo jet set off to, but it needs to come back. Writing is a release of frustrations and stress. It grounds me. It’s my center, but 2016 had other plans and I found myself feeling like I was repeatedly hitting a brick wall. I was a hamster in a wheel, turning circles and never quite ending up where I wanted to be, and I sank through quicksand of disappointment.

I’ve never been one to toot my own horn. I always feel weird, like a clown dressed in the royal clothes, but out of place. I’m a really good supporter and a hell of a hype man and an excellent cheerleader for others. Need to develop an idea? I got you. Need some encouragement? I have words on deck. Need someone to hold you accountable? I’m your girl. For some reason, I struggle to play those roles for myself and others are even further from being those things for me. I like to help others succeed and I enjoy being an encouraging force. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve been drowned out in the process. Maybe everyone else thinks I have it all figured out, but I don’t.

All my thoughts and ideas seemed like a pile of steaming trash. The well of my creativity dried up and my drive crashed. Suddenly, there was nothing for months. I made a promise to myself to write at least once a month and I didn’t keep up my end of the deal. It wasn’t for lack of trying. I have drafts upon drafts of writings that never made it to the light of day. But I’m here and I’m writing and this is good for my soul. Because as I try to navigate through life and maneuver through relationships and countless encounters with other humans, writing provides a sense of awareness and I feel like that’s what I’ve been missing the most. Clarity.

Life has a way of testing a person’s will, either by having nothing happen at all or by having everything happen at once. – Paulo Coelho