What Happened to All Her Words?

“Words are, of course, the most powerful drug used by mankind.” 

– Rudyard Kipling

I’ve been struck by the longest streak of writer’s block and I’ve been suspended in a perpetual state of limbo ever since the block gripped me. I’m floating, watching everyone shine and sparkle from the shadows. Meanwhile, my penmanship remains dusty and littered with cobwebs. Sometimes, it feels like being on an isolated island with an unobstructed view of the world, observing everything from outside, window shopping, at a standstill while time passes you by. But time waits for no one.

And so, here I sit, at a table at a café trying to get my grove back like Stella. Writing came easy to me and even when it didn’t, I could churn out a poem with ease. I want that back. I’m not exactly sure what happened or where my mojo jet set off to, but it needs to come back. Writing is a release of frustrations and stress. It grounds me. It’s my center, but 2016 had other plans and I found myself feeling like I was repeatedly hitting a brick wall. I was a hamster in a wheel, turning circles and never quite ending up where I wanted to be, and I sank through quicksand of disappointment.

I’ve never been one to toot my own horn. I always feel weird, like a clown dressed in the royal clothes, but out of place. I’m a really good supporter and a hell of a hype man and an excellent cheerleader for others. Need to develop an idea? I got you. Need some encouragement? I have words on deck. Need someone to hold you accountable? I’m your girl. For some reason, I struggle to play those roles for myself and others are even further from being those things for me. I like to help others succeed and I enjoy being an encouraging force. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve been drowned out in the process. Maybe everyone else thinks I have it all figured out, but I don’t.

All my thoughts and ideas seemed like a pile of steaming trash. The well of my creativity dried up and my drive crashed. Suddenly, there was nothing for months. I made a promise to myself to write at least once a month and I didn’t keep up my end of the deal. It wasn’t for lack of trying. I have drafts upon drafts of writings that never made it to the light of day. But I’m here and I’m writing and this is good for my soul. Because as I try to navigate through life and maneuver through relationships and countless encounters with other humans, writing provides a sense of awareness and I feel like that’s what I’ve been missing the most. Clarity.

Life has a way of testing a person’s will, either by having nothing happen at all or by having everything happen at once. – Paulo Coelho

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It Only Happened Once

I had a bad dream…and then I forgot about it.

I’m a lawyer and a Gemini. I rationalize everything. I visualize scenarios and play out conversations in my mind. Rational analysis is key. The wheels never stop turning. My mind never shuts down. I’m a lawyer and have practiced criminal law for the better part of my legal career. I have represented a myriad of people. I’ve been a bondsman. I’ve clerked for judges. Nothing surprises me or even gets under my skin like it really should. So, why on Earth did I have a dream about being pulled over by a cop on a dark road with creepy white fog?

It was a scene out of any legit scary movie. It could have been a scene out of Texas Chainsaw Massacre when he was chasing the girl through the forest at night. The absurdity of that should be unsettling. And it was. The terror that griped me in my sleep, in the cloak of darkness was enough to wake me up in a cold sweat, heart ready to leap from my chest, bewildered by what I’d just felt. Me. Attorney. Criminal attorney. I never in a million lifetimes thought I would ever feel terror upon encountering a cop. But I did and I feel so many emotions. Shame. Anger. Sadness. Confusion. I interact with police of a daily basis and I never thought that I, with my gold bar card that lets the masses know I’m a lawyer, would ever feel terror and paralyzing fear from being pulled over by a cop.

My dream manifested itself into the world of the living. I’m almost embarrassed to share this because it was just a dream, and then a couple weeks ago, I was driving down the street and I saw a police car at a restaurant waiting to come onto the street. I remember thinking to myself, I hope they don’t pull out behind me. But they did and I tensed up. I gripped the steering wheel so tight, I felt a cramp in my hand. Once I passed the bar exam, I never worried about getting pulled over or approached by police for any reason. I was totally unbothered. But a police car pulled behind me while I was driving and I tensed up…a light coat of sweat developed. I was scared and it was one of the worst feelings and I’m appalled at myself. I wasn’t scared because I thought I was going to get a ticket, I was scared because I didn’t know how an encounter would end or if something might go terribly wrong. I don’t want to be a hashtag that people argue over or make political stands over. The embarrassment I felt from being scared infuriates me and I’m almost disgusted, constantly looking at my speedometer to make sure I wasn’t doing anything that could remotely get me pulled over. I didn’t release the steering wheel from my death grip until they turned down a different street.

I sat up a little taller, I released the breath I didn’t know I was holding, I rolled my neck a couple times, and it was at that moment I realized I had been scared. They probably weren’t even paying any attention to me, but all my attention was on them.

Ever felt that way? Ever tensed up when a police car got behind your car for more than a couple minutes going down the road? Ever been afraid of being pulled over by a cop not because you thought you were doing anything wrong or would get a ticket, but because something a little more sinister might happen? Yeah…me neither. Until I did.   

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Perspective

There is no footprint too small to leave an imprint on this world. – Unknown

 I have nothing to say, so I wrote it all down.

 When you hold a child, they capture a part of you. They can pull out all the joy and happiness you could ever want with their pure innocence. When they put their tiny hands in yours, hearts swell and soar with love. That’s what the blind love of a child can do to you. Their eyes grow large with wonder at everything in the world. Everything is amazing, everything is wonderful, everything is “cool”, everything is beautiful. The simplest things are the biggest most exciting things in their minds. Fireworks, an animal, the ocean. Everything is magical to these tiny beings and you get swept up into their amazement. You remember how wonderful life can be and how the world is filled with amazing wonders. Children remind you how precious it all is. And when the unfathomable happens and their life is lost, our hearts splinter with the loss of such a precious gift.

 Makai was just a baby, his hair not yet cut with cute little afro puffs, big twinkling eyes, round apple cheeks, the most beautiful child that could ever be created by two people. I looked into Makai’s big, beautiful eyes and I was in love. So much so that I took him and held him into the night, until he fell asleep in my arms, his long, beautiful lashes closed over his eyes. I never wanted to let him go and any time I was home, I took him in my arms. He was my baby, as I often jokingly told his mom. He is loved by many, even in death. My grief has not swallowed me yet and is eclipsed by the gaping hole left in the two people that created his little life. As I wait for the pain and grief to wash over me, we’ll be there for them as best we can. They had a lifetime of milestones snatched away in a matter of minutes. The days will turn into weeks, weeks will turn into months, months into years, but his life will be remembered until our days end.

Nothing seems to have much important when you lose a person and it's seems to be an even deeper loss when it's a child because they barely had a chance to truly live. Instantly, the frustration, anger, and stress of anything going on aren’t significant in comparison. That nagging bill collector that won’t stop calling your phone, the stupid media and their headlines, the endless fight over skin color, that guy you wish would want you too, the co-worker that’s a jerk and lies on you, your significant other not doing what you want, that asshole that cut you off this morning on the highway, those marital woes, that guy or girl that is stringing you along, the wall of debt you have, that trip you wanted to take, that vacation you thought you needed to get away from it all, none of it matters anymore. You’re trapped in this horrific moment of loss. It all seems so minuscule and ridiculous because all that resonates is that a precious ray of light has been snuffed out and it’s not coming back.

Sweet, sweet baby boy. I love you Makai. You will always live in our hearts and minds.

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New Month, Who This?

Why does this keep happening?! Lol I have no idea, but it's been months! Why can't I be consistent with this whole writing thing? This is what happens when you neglect your blog. I come back to see the template I was using has vanished! I've spent the better part of last night trying to tweak the look of the blog. It's still a work in progress...but I digress. 

I've been living, y'all. Changed my views on London, fell in love with Paris, had a couple dates and what not, had a couple setbacks, bounced back, got a year older, and planned a couple more trips. And here I am months upon months later without a written word. In other words, life has been happening. 

But I'm here with pen and paper, transcribing everything onto a computer screen when I'm done. There's just something about writing on pieces of paper, ink bleeding across the lines of the pages. Words seem to flow easier. 

Often I find myself here when I'm yearning for the universe to align itself with the desires of my heart. It's an infinite mystery, not ever having what you secretly desire the most. I want this, but I really, really want that too. You get one, but not the other. Why? What cosmic order has decided that it's not to be? *shrugs* 

I always get reflective. Normally receding into the background, out of sight, out of mind to reflect in solitude and reassess situations. I just go into myself and fall off for a minute. However, I'm back and I'm better, as Bryson Tiller would croon. 

In other news, I've unearthed another snippet I wrote some time many moons ago. I'll probably post that over the weekend. If it doesn't happen though, don't hold it against me.

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From Across the Room

He walked through the door, her eyes found him. Knots tightened in her stomach. 

Butterflies waltzed here and there.

She had waited all night to see him.

Flushed skin, sweaty palms, but she never left her spot. 

Rooted in place, no moves made.

She had waited all night to see him.

Eyes locked. A heart skipped a beat. Smiles of recognition. 

He's headed in her direction.

She had waited all night to see him.

Engulfed in his arms, her eyes closed tightly. Hands slid around him, holding firmly. She could smell his cologne. 

She had waited all night to see him.

A jolt of reality. His arms are gone, the warmth fading. 

He's moved on in the crowd. 

She had waited all night to see him.

A dimly lit room, but still her eyes could find him. 

He's working the room. His smile is dazzling. He's charming. 

She had waited all night to see him.

She watched intently. She wondered if only she said something witty, would he still be beside her. Coulda, shoulda, wouldas dancing through her mind. 

She had waited all night to see him.

Unnoticed now. Maybe unwanted. He's forgotten her and her smile as the night drummed on. But she had waited all night to see him, rooted in the same spot from across the room.

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The Year in Review

“Now that she had nothing to lose, she was free.” Eleven Minutes, Paulo Coelho

2015 is most definitely in the rearview mirror now and what a year it was. My social life exploded in the last few weeks leading to the end of 2015 and has continued to be a flurry of activity into 2016. I’ve been meaning to post this blog for weeks, but I’ve literally become the social butterfly my zodiac sign is known for. I could not have predicted the tide of events that transpired up to this very moment in time. I feel like I ended the year on a high and I surfed the high tide into 2016. I’m starting to feel a sense of clarity and things are beginning to somewhat click.

For all the highs, I had some lows last year, points where I wasn’t sure if there was a light at the end of the tunnel, I couldn’t see a clear way out of the black hole I was free falling through. In many ways, last year was an extension of the last few years. I felt like I was in limbo with a sense of uncertainty about absolutely every aspect of my life. Knowing you’re a shell of the person you were and trying to find your way back is beyond frustrating and it makes trying to figure out the labyrinth of life difficult. The process has been draining and unnerving. For someone whose emotions stay fairly in check, the onslaught of emotional energy was more than a little overwhelming.

As I leave 2015 behind, much of the baggage I’ve collected has been discarded. I feel alive. I can breathe. I’m starting to feel like me again and I’ve missed me dearly. I’m ready to tackle whatever comes my way with a renewed sense of self. There’s nothing like feeling you’re whole.

Last year, I wanted to travel more and I set out to do just that. I want that trend to continue. The goal this year is to live more freely. As a result of things that have happened in the past, my guard is up full force. I’m not skeptical, per say, but I’m definitely not open to allowing people into my world. I need to let go and have more fun. I’ve had so many valuable experiences just in the last few weeks by just living in the moment, letting go, and having fun with life. I can only hope that things keep progressing in this direction because I like my world view from this vantage point.   

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