I was Chosen. I was Wanted. I was Cherished.

“She wasn't tracking down her father to learn more about him. She was tracking him down to learn more about herself.” 
― Brad Meltzer, The Inner Circle

I’ve known I was adopted since I was 5. I thought it was the coolest thing in the world. I felt special because I was picked out of all the children that my parents could have taken home with them. It was me they fell in love with. My parents are truly the best, not because they gave me life, but because they chose to raise me through a life time knowing they hadn’t created me. And for me, that’s the ultimate showcase of love. I am eternally blessed because of them.

As I sit here in the early hours after Christmas Day, I’m once again brought back to the topic of finding out information about my biological family. I’ve never been too bothered about finding anything out. I’ve been down this road twice before and never really pursued it further than getting forms to fill out that would start the post adoption services process. But, after a discussion in a group I’m a part of where the topic was unsuspectingly dating someone, like a cousin, that you don’t know you’re related to, it dawned on me that I could unknowingly find myself in that situation.

Who am I? Where do I come from? What is my heritage? Every so often, something happens that triggers me wanting to get the ball rolling on this whole biological family search. Yesterday it was a group discussion. A few years ago, a guy I was seeing asked me what I was mixed with to which I bestowed upon him a look of bewilderment.

My dad gave me the name of the adoption agency they used. Post adoption services seem so daunting to me and they really shouldn’t be and the fees seem like a deterrence, especially for those who may not have the funds to pay for it all. It seems like it could be a lengthy, time intensive process.  At the very least you should be given the documents with the biological parents information. I’ll be honest, the fee schedule has been a large part of why I’ve stalled out on this. When I first looked into post adoption services back towards the end of my undergraduate study, I wasn’t in a position to pay multiple fees associated with obtaining information. So, my urge to know fizzled and then it fizzled again 4 years later, and now here I am again. Seems like I never follow through. In Texas, you’re required to have at least one hour of counseling too. I can see why counseling would be required and encouraged, but what if you literally just want to know health information with no intention of reconnecting with your biological family? Knowing whether or not the possibility of developing diabetes or high blood pressure or cancer is running through your veins is important.

Trying to process the idea of obtaining information, receiving correspondence from biological family members or meeting them is overwhelming. Hell, maybe I do need to talk to a counselor first. I love my parents and I don’t have any issues of abandonment, resentment, or any other negative feeling one might associate with being told about being adopted. I’ve had a great life with a mom and dad who love me. I didn’t want for anything and still don’t. If I need it, they will figure out a way to make it happen. They are the best parents a girl could have.

I don’t need the counselor to help me through anything I might feel about being adopted, I need the counselor to help me process what I’m about to do. Part of me feels like I’m opening Pandora’s box. I actually refer to my biological mother as the egg donor. Obviously, I’m grateful, but questions I haven’t had before may start to surface. Like, why? And I’ve never really cared to know the answer to that question or wanted to know. 

I like to think that I wouldn’t be overly emotional about all this, but now, I’m not so sure. I almost feel like I might be an emotional wreck because I’m confronting something I haven’t really ever thought about and that makes me feel extremely on edge. Like, what does it mean that I might have other siblings? And do I want to integrate them into my life? Do they want to integrate me? Would they be upset? But, don’t I have a right to know what my heritage is? What are my roots?

I may fizzle out, yet again. 

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When You Wish Upon A Star

“So, I love you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you.” – The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho

I used to read voraciously. A book was a gourmet meal. Back in middle school, I lived in the school library. I was the accelerated reader queen. I escaped to a world of orphaned children turned investigators, wizards and warlocks, escaped slaves, talking animals, knights and princesses. I soaked up words from the very fibers of a page like my life depended on it. I’m not sure when that all changed, but law school definitely made me never want to read anything but a trashy magazine with clipped horoscopes. That's definitely not the level of reading I groomed myself on. In many ways, I miss my younger self. She was so hungry to learn and know as much as she could about all sorts of things. She watched the History and Discovery channel like a hawk, from Jesus to the uncovering of ancient Egyptian history. I miss my nerdy self. It’s almost like something happens when you become an adult and a light dims, waiting until something sparks the flames again.

“Everyone, when they are young, knows what their Personal Legend is. At that point in their lives, everything is clear and everything is possible. They are not afraid to dream, and to yearn for everything they would like to see happen to them in their lives.”

The Alchemist was the first book on the book club’s list to read. I’ve never heard of this book until now. And since the universe conspired to bring me to it, I will keep it with me, turning back to it probably countless times so I don’t forget its many nuggets of wisdom as told through the story of Santiago. There was a word on every page. When I get a hard copy of the book, highlighting will do no good because the entire book will be highlighted from beginning to end on almost every page.

“Everything is written in the Soul of the World, and there it will stay forever.”

The wisdom is vast, but simple. Isn’t that the way wisdom works, though? The most profound concepts tend to be the simplest. Follow your dreams. Listen to your heart, for it knows your deepest desires. Don’t let fear keep you from following your dreams. Love will not hinder you from seeking your dreams….All simple, yet profound concepts. Adults make things so complicated. Why do we do that? I’m certainly guilty. Live in the now, but remember the lessons you learned along the way.

“The simple things are also the most extraordinary things, and only the wise can see them.”

And so, I’ve found myself in a rut. At a crossroad of sorts, but I always feel like I’m periodically at a crossroad in life, unclear of which way to go. The Alchemist talks of omens, reading and following them. I feel as if I passed one too many omens along the way and just didn’t realize what was staring me right in the face. I suppose it’s never too late to right the ship, but the problem is always knowing whether you’re steering in the right direction or if you’re only poking more holes into an already sinking ship. Is the uncertainty and the worrying about making the right decision actually fear in disguise?

“You will never be able to escape your heart. So it is better to listen to what it has to say.”

Dreams and wishes, wants and desires. I followed Santiago, envisioning myself. The question was one of staying with the status quo or taking a leap of faith and finding your treasure. If nothing else, I feel like I had an eccentric otherworldly experience while reading. The limitless feeling of possibility that grips you and fills your spirit quenches your soul and awakens in you a desire to do things you put off because the world says you can’t do it or have it all. Let the universe inspire you and follow where it leads you. The value in the reward is the richness of the journey along the way.

“Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure.”

Maktub.   

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They’re Calling Me to Come Back...

I had someone tell me I fell off, ooh I needed that. And they wanna see me pick back up, well where’d I leave it at. – “Headlines” // Drake

 Tell me I don’t know myself lol I knoooow. It’s August and A LOT has transpired since March. I meant to write months ago. Life happened. I’m currently sitting in my office contemplating what life is with my two law partners just a few strides away. There’s nothing on my walls yet. I need an interior decorator. But I digress…new law firm! We’re taking off into the sunset. The ride is just getting started. I’m a ball of nervous energy, but God. And so I’m just going to ride this out.

The girls/birthday trip was in South Beach this year. Clearly we didn’t think that through as it was Memorial Day Weekend. There were so many people and so much ratchetness. Men, why would you follow 3 girls for over 3 blocks who aren’t acknowledging you at all? This happened…a few times. I was over it. We did find a great spot to eat on Lincoln Ave called 920 Grill. It was so good and the staff was awesome and so nice. Definitely eat there if you ever find yourself wandering around Lincoln Ave in Miami.

My birthday came and went. I miss the wholeness of being 30 #firstworldproblems Birthdays are like high school reunions. They’re celebrated every 5 to 10 years. My birthday will be special again when I turn 35. Until then, cheers to being blessed to see another year.

At the beginning of the year, I said I wanted to travel more and blog more and all that jazz. I’ve planned so many trips and I have to temper myself to not get too crazy with it. In the meantime, New York and Palm Springs are on Deck. Memphis, ATL, London, and Paris will soon follow.

It’s been an eventful 5 months, what with moving, starting a law office, planning and taking trips, meeting new friends. Life is zipping on by.  

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Life: The force from which we ebb & flow

 “I’m going on an adventure” – Bilbo Baggins, The Hobbit

On the last episode of the Days of Tifanee’s Life, we learned that I’m planning to take on the task of a travel blog.  I’m extremely excited about the concept. I’ve finally nailed down a name after agonizing over it for a week, but I’m pleased. I’ve already gotten my first draft of the first post. Now it’s just the other things that need to be dealt with, getting a domain, the design, etc. It’s all slowly coming together. It may be about a month or two, because I’m in the middle of apartment hunting/moving. I hate moving, but I hate my rent more, so, I’m moving, hopefully for the last time for more than a few years. Then, hopefully my travel adventures will start coming to life on virtual paper.

I'm bubbling with anticipation with another venture that is taking shape as I speak. There will be some sort of announcement in the coming months once everything becomes concrete. But I’m literally oozing with jubilation for where my career seems to be heading. Big things to come, I hope.

In the meantime…look at me updating! It didn’t take me months. Ha! I’m giving myself a pat on the back for that. Some semblance of consistency is the key here. Baby steps and I’m killing it with the progress thus far. Hashtag, feeling myself. #poseforthecamera

This path I’m on holds a lot of promise and hopefully a lot of success. Until next time…

Live like it’ll all be over tomorrow. 

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The Strange Case of Two Blogs and an Active Mind

“In the days before automobiles, people in horse-drawn wagons used to sleep if they were tired. They didn't worry about getting lost, because the horse knew the way home. Your heart knows the way to your gifts. You can trust it to take you to them.” 
― Barbara Sher, What Do I Do When I Want To Do Everything?: A Revolutionary Programme For Doing Everything That You Love

Sometimes I wish I had a ying to my yang to contain the racing of my mind. When you have a mind that never rests and never ending thoughts that never cease, you’re bound to catch one of those elusive ideas and make it tangible and real, not just a figment of imagination. Sometimes I want to kick this lawyer thing, sell all my belongs and be a world citizen, coming and going from all the places that appear on bucket lists. A girl can dream.

While having a conversation with a colleague last week, I expressed a feeling of restlessness that was incessantly nagging on me, creeping into my subconscious mind, camping out in the corner, whispering for me to do things.

Start this…establish that…model here…act over there…travel to Peru and volunteer in a village…do EVERYTHING.

As a result of my midday conversation with said colleague, I may not be selling all my belongs, but I have decided to make a blog about travel and food. I would like to take submissions from my friends and hosts them on the blog as well as my own adventures.

It’s currently just a work in progress, but I’m already working on my first posts when I launch. After a slight ski fail in Colorado, I packed up and visited my friend DeShun in Las Vegas where we went….*gasp* skiing! I know, some of you are saying, “what? how?” And I will answer that when I launch the new blog that will be independent of this one.

The hurdle and struggle for me will be keeping up with both blogs. I haven’t written in my blog since December. Hopefully, I won’t fall into the business as usual model I’ve been practicing since I started blogging. I haven’t mastered the art of consistency for my personal blog, but maybe this new venture I’m starting will be the catalyst that reels me in. 

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