Wanderlust Now, Wanderlust Forever

"Not all those who wander are lost."

-J.R.R. Tolkein, The Fellowship of the Ring

On Christmas morning, I woke up to an instagram notification on my phone from Raven, one of my awesome friends. She had tagged me on a Travel Noire picture. Although I missed out on the awesome travel deal for a plane ticket to Abu Dhabi, this was the beginning of a spark. It’s no secret that I have a love affair with travel. And although I feel like I neglect my inner nomad, I am determined to make 2015 a year of travel and it beginnings with a ski trip in Colorado January 1^st.

In the meantime, I have signed up for so many travel hack sites and newsletters, I’m bound to get to India sooner rather than later. Part of missing out on the Abu Dhabi deal was because I’m some what of a chicken when it comes to the idea of solo travel. That’s okay, I’m going to fix that real quick like! I had initially planned on St. Louis, but I’ve nixed that idea and now I’m full speed ahead to Boston! Yes, I’m pretty spastic and random at times…a lot of times. This is no different. I had an idea of a place, I changed my mind…go with it! Heck, I may end up somewhere else besides Boston. As long as I do it solo and get over the mountain of fear, that’s what matters.

There may be a NYC trip in between skiing and Boston. You never really know with me and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I see google flights browsing in my 2015 future. God willing, I will have the most amazing year of my life in 2015, complete with ups and downs I’m sure.

The sky looks limitless and the possibilities endless.  

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See Me

The gods have smiled upon her.

Beauty wrapped inside her slight almond shaped eyes, framed by locks of women’s envy.

Fullness of luscious lips, stained with sweet kisses.

The shape of hours and glass that make men forget their sensibilities.

Colliding between her thighs, thighs of milk and honey.

The gods have truly smiled upon her.

And that’s why they don’t really see me.

Words of philosophy, theory, education, and intelligence lure her senses born from her thirsty mind.

Always moving, like waves of water, fluid; never satiated, crammed with details, indulged with revelations from letters strung together with grace and allure.

When she opens her mouth, they spill from those glossy lips quenching embers of fire ignited again by conversation’s stimulation.

But the gods have smiled upon her. Beautiful as she is.

That’s why they don’t really see me.

Hanging shingles keep her lights on.

Strength and struggle knocking on her windows breed skilled determination.

Talent builds on the blind scales of Lady Justice.

It’s the people she works doggedly for.

Sultry eyes, pouty lips, curves they say that withstand the aging hands of time.

The gods have smiled upon her.

That’s why they don’t really see me.

Hollow eyes cry hollow tears creating flashy hollow smiles in irrelevant faces, faces that see skin deep.

Flawless hues and excellent shoe game.

Pencil skirts with matching heels showing legs for days because that’s the most important.

Unrealized dreams hide in dark corners of the soul hidden behind hollow eyes.

Fear of the unattained plagues her mind.

But, why? They wonder.

For, truly, the gods have smiled upon her.

That’s why they don’t really see me.

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Cloak of Invisibility

I can fake a smile. I can force a laugh. I can dance and play the part, if that’s what you ask. Give you all I am.  – “Human” by Christina Perri

Hide it so well

Hide it behind a wink and a smile

Hold it in, don’t let it out

Hold it all, stand big and tall

Played them all, you played the role so perfectly

Confidence, they say

She has it all

So cocky, so snooty, so mightier than thou 

Oh how so Queen of Sheba she is

So wrong they all were

As you cracked and crumbled inside your soul

Blinded by their sensibilities

Guided by the view of vanity

They failed to see that you were

Desperately clinging to their rose colored view

Plagued by what they didn’t see

In your eyes so clearly lay the world

For which you couldn’t please

Cloaked in your false imagery

Confidence and strength

Invisible to the untrained eye

Drained by insecurity

Haunted by insecurity

Anchored by insecurity

Drowned by…insecurity 

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Continua...No Flawless

I woke up like this. I woke up like this…

Sometimes I have epiphanies. And I think to myself, "whoa." It's like the universe in all its glorious wonder is spilling the secrets of life to me, understanding at my fingertips. Or maybe I'm just a little unhinged. *shrugs*

I can definitely be jealous. I felt it today. I'm not possessive, but I can be territorial. And it doesn't have to be anything major either, just a couple words could bring out the narrowing of the eyes. 

It's always weird when I feel jealousy snake it's way up my limbs, seeping into my mind, especially when it's behind someone I might be catching feelings for. Social media is the bane of relationships. I'm convinced. It can get you caught up so fast, you get whiplash and you're left in a daze, wondering what the heck just happened. I mean, it was just a stupid "like". It doesn't mean diddly squat. Except....for when it does mean something...right?  

I try not to assume anything because assumptions are pretty much a chunk of what's wrong with the world today and probably since the beginning of time, but it's so easy to slip into them. Jealousy is a hot headed mistress. How can you be jealous when something isn't even yours yet or not at all? It's soooo possible though. Perplexing, but so very possible.

I can definitely be stubborn. That's not always a bad thing. If someone tells you that you can't succeed, but you're just stubborn enough, you have the audacity to keep trying until you do. Well, that's not a bad use for stubborn. Having or showing dogged determination not to change one's attitude or position on something, especially when you don't want to change that attitude or position because of some sneaky little wisp of jealousy seductively whispering in your ear? Not so good. What a conundrum. 

Who really has it in them to look at the man in the mirror without cringing, even just a little bit?

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Flaws and All

I’m a train wreck in the morning

I’m a bitch in the afternoon

Every now and then without warning

I can be really mean towards you…

I may not be the biggest fan of Bey, but this song used to be on repeat for me in my times of solitude and reflection. Just…something about the words, the message resonated with me. I am by no means, nor will I ever have cause to be considered perfect. I have and will make mistakes for the rest of my life. And I think I’m almost to the point where I’m content in knowing that. I feel like I’m a different person somehow. I don’t know if that’s because of what I’ve been through these last few years or not, but I know I am. I almost feel like I have a harder exterior shell, more of a chip on my shoulder, more skepticism at times. Is this the stage of transformation? And when will the godforsaken thing be over with so I can get back to being me?

I took the Myers-Briggs personality not too long ago. Hi, I'm ENTP. And you? If you do the one with the Star Wars characters, I'm R2 D2, the inventor. Seems pretty awesome, but as with everything, there's a few downsides.

I’m a puzzle yes in deed

Ever complex in every way

And all the pieces aren’t even in the box

And yet, you see the picture clear as day.

I don’t know why you love me…

Apparently ENTPs “are very rational and do not see much value in emotions or emotional arguments. Consequently, they are great when it comes to logical thinking, but they are likely to have difficulties in the emotional area. ENTPs’ confidence and keen sense of humor are usually very attractive, but they can easily (and often inadvertently) hurt an individual belonging to a different personality type.”

To me, that blows. Who wants to be told they're basically emotionless? It’s not that I don’t see value in emotions and emotional “arguments” (whatever that entails), I just don’t know how to express them. I find it hard to explain how I feel, to be vulnerable enough to the degree emotions require. There is some level of vulnerability where emotions are concerned. There’s no denying that. You can tell a lot about someone by their emotions. What buttons trigger certain reactions, what a person cares about, what a person is passionate about, what interest or doesn’t interest a person, etc. I don’t trust others to be genuine. I need to be able to trusts and it’s just been violated more times than I care to talk about.

You catch me when I fall

Accept me flaws and all

And that’s why I love you…

So what’s the flaw or flaws? Being extremely rational at the expense of emotional attachment? Being afraid of emotions? Being afraid to express them? All of the above? Something else? Maybe all of it and more, perhaps, I’m sure.

How’s this for flaws? One of my friends calls me twitchy because my attention span is the size of a peanut. I’m all over the place in my thoughts. I can’t even keep up with my writing. I told myself I would write at least once a month. It’s gonna be May…lol right. My thoughts exactly. Fail. I have 8 more months to do better, though, starting with today.

To me, the interesting main character is never the one without flaws

– J.J. Abrams

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To Infinity and Beyond

By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest. – Confucius

Happy New Year! December 31, 2013 was an unconventional New Year’s Eve for me. I watched football and honestly…it was fantastic. Watching my alma mater win in the Chik-fil-a Bowl was satisfying and even if they had lost, it was a heck of a game. I could have been cliché and gone out somewhere to a club or party, but I was content to watch a football game. The only thing that could have made it better was actually being in Atlanta to witness the game live.

2013

The fall started back in 2011. It was like flying and then having your wings clipped. A sudden drop that ends with a crash. The year started out great and then it all spiraled down and ended in flames. 2012 was a period of rebuilding. It was difficult, hopeful and heart breaking, promising and disappointing. I spent a lot of time feeling lost and unsure. Job hunting was brutal. There’s always someone wanting to tell you who you are and what you stand for, what you should be doing and where you’re heading. The only sure thing about me is that I went to law school because I want to be a judge and I was nothing but ambitious with my sight set on being an appellate judge some day. The only thing that stood in my way was being a lawyer. I did that.

My area of choice was, is, and will probably continue to be criminal law. I haven’t swayed. I’ve been an ADA and a defense attorney. I’ve been told I’m defense minded and then I was told I’m pro State. Well, guess what? I’m neither. I’m for justice. I want Prosecutors to do their job and that isn’t solely to send people to jail. Make the punishment fit the crime. As a defense attorney, my job is to hold prosecutors to that and make sure they don’t abuse the discretion that they have. It’s that simple and no matter what side I’m on, I will do my job to the best of my abilities.

I’m not perfect and I’m not beyond making mistakes, but I will never again let someone define me. I won’t allow someone to break me down again, making me forget that I’m capable. I paid my dues to get my JD. I clerked for judges and practiced my last year with a 3^rd year bar card. I passed the bar and got my license. I define myself and how people perceive that is just something I’m going to have to learn to deal with. Jesus take the wheel.

He guides me. I just need to follow no matter what roadblocks appear along the way. Life is ups and downs, lows and highs. It’s always been that way and it will always be that way. Life is different only in how we individually deal with the things that happen.  

2014

I hit a milestone this year. Thanks to Jay-Z, 30’s the new 20. I hear the 30’s are some of the best years of your life. I intend on making the best of it. I want to live fully. I’m going in like Nike. Just do it. No more making excuses for why this can’t happen or why this hasn’t happened. I’m just going to live and do it. I want to look back and say I did things I wanted to do when I had the chance. I traveled when I could. I took chances when I was scared. I loved even when it wasn’t returned. I was happy and I loved myself.

What’s a life if you’re not living it? Here’s to 2014 and living.

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