"Great spirits have always encountered violent oppression from mediocre minds." - Albert Einstein
Falling is easy. Getting up is the true test.
No one likes a pity party. I like to be upbeat, confident, perky,
silly, and goofy. And I like to maintain those qualities even when everything
has gone to hell in a hand basket and all I want to do is breakdown.
Nevertheless, for whatever reason, I don’t like showing weakness. I was told
once that I walked around like I was the Queen of Sheba. I was taken aback by
that comment and somewhat confused because I had no idea what that man was talking
about. Later, I thought about it. If you see me walking down the street, I walk
like I own the damn block. Put me in a courtroom and I have my game face on and
I give off this “I’m the shit” vibe. It started out as a defense mechanism, now
it just happens. I walk into a room and I can be nervous with a basket full of
butterflies swirling in my stomach, but on the outside? I look like I’m the shit. My mannerisms and the way I carry myself
has been tailored and molded so that no matter how much of a nervous wreck I
am, you will never know it because I look like I know what I’m doing all the
time, even when I don’t. I wait until I’m in a room somewhere by myself before
I let my guard down. But I digress…there’s that vulnerability again.
There is a reoccurring dream that has me leaping out of my sleep
sometimes. I’m falling continuously with no end in sight. Falling. Falling
through a dark, deep black, purple sky. A paralyzing fear grips me, heart
pulsating through my chest. I can hear it in my ears. There’s no sound though.
There’s never any sound; no scream pushes out my lungs to my lips. I’m
breathing quickly. In. Out. In. Out. There’s a jerk and I’m awake…
Naturally, I went to Google, as I’m the Google queen, and looked
up the meaning of falling dreams. They all say much of the same thing with a slight
variation here and there. There’s usually some description about anxiety,
sometimes something about feeling out of control, and other times something
about being afraid of something (maybe the unknown?). As many times as I’ve had
this type of dream, I can’t possibly be having those types of feelings
constantly…or can I? I feel like I’ve been on this never ending rollercoaster
ride for awhile now, but not the fun kind that gives you an adrenaline rush. It’s
the kind of rollercoaster ride that feels like the tracks are one screw from
sending you careening through the air to plunge downward to the Earth in a
violent crash. It doesn’t sound pleasant, right? Neither has the last couple of
years for me, but I grin and bear it, as much as it has sucked the life out of
me. If this is God’s way of trying to tell me something, then I’m all ears. I’m
here and I’m listening. And If I’m not getting it, please help me get it
because I’m ready to stop holding my breath and get off this crazy ride. In
limbo doesn’t even touch the tip of the iceberg. Have I failed? I’m 28 and what
really do I have to show for it? That’s
what I was thinking the other day. I’ve failed at so many things…jobs,
interviews, relationships, friendships, missed opportunities. Why haven’t I been able to get
it right? Or is what I think and where I should be two different things and I
haven’t realized it yet? I’m at a loss here.
I had a vision when I was 16 of how my life would play out. I’d
go to college to get a degree and go on to have an amazing career. Then I’d
have the perfect husband with the perfect cookie cutter family. I wanted my 2.5
kids with the golden retriever and the white picket fence. Who came up with the
whole golden retriever part anyways? Not really my type of dog. I’d rather have
something else. Anyways, that was my 16 year old naïve dream. Does this make me
a failure? I think we are our own worst enemies. I have such high hopes for
myself. I want to be and do everything for everybody. I want to be the best, I
don’t want to stumble and fall. I don’t want to make mistakes, but I do. All
the time. How many mistakes does it take before you become a failure? 1…2…3?
This isn’t a commercial and you can’t ask an owl in reading glasses how many
licks it takes to become a failure and get a simple answer. Life doesn’t work
that way.
You’d be
amazed at how you look through someone else’s eyes. Some would be surprised at
how amazing someone else thinks you are. I’ve been told twice in less than
three days how much I’ve accomplished and how proud two different people are of
me that are not related to me. It was like being shocked with a defibrillator. I’m not gonna lie, I teared up because neither of
these people have any idea how lost I’ve been. I may not have fulfilled the
dream of an innocent 16 year old child, but I’ve turned out to be a decent
human being and a lawyer at the same time. Whatever downs I’ve gone through,
going through, and will go through are for a reason. I firmly believe and have
always believed that everything happens for a reason. You can look back at your
life and pinpoint the little turning points here and there that have put you
where you are now. Oddly enough, after you’ve gone through a season, things
turn out the way they should and if you like the person you are, you wouldn’t
change the path of that yellow brick road because you wouldn’t be who are. Life
will never be easy and there will always be something. That’s not to say that I
won’t feel defeated at times. Having the strength of a mustard seed is not easy.
I’m human, not perfect. I have to remind myself that it’s not the challenge that
counts; it’s how I solve the challenge and what comes out on the other side
that matters.
Remember...You is kind. You is smart. You is important. You are a child of God.
