My mind is a labyrinth that many have failed to navigate successfully, myself included

As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives. – Henry David Thoreau 

A million thoughts. It’s always the one that you so desperately try to ignore that decides to overshadow all others. In a word, I’m a paradox. There’s an ambiguity there that even I have difficulty grasping, deciphering, and understanding. It’s the reason why I have countless times tried to keep a journal of sorts only to fall off the wagon looking dazed and confused. I am utterly perplexed by my uncanning ability to weave words of the English vocabulary with a brilliance that I am at times awed by. I had a professor in college who used to read passages from the top 4 or so essays from the class. I remember sitting in my chair as he read one of the most beautiful paragraphs I’d ever heard. I kept thinking to myself, “why didn’t I think of that! God, that was SO good!” And then? It turned out to be my essay. Well…I’ll be damned. I swear, I sit down and I write sometimes and have no idea what I’m writing. I start with an idea and I just take off. It’s like I’m on autopilot with the words flowing freely from my fingertips, but I can’t seem to weave those same beautiful phrases, sentences, paragraphs when it comes to putting a spotlight on myself and my innermost thoughts. Or rather, I just can’t seem to keep up with the openness of it all.

There’s a certain vulnerability that comes with the territory when you’re writing. In a sense, you’re letting others see pieces of you. I’ve always had a problem being vulnerable. You see…when you’re vulnerable and you let people in, that’s when all the negative (pain, hurt, deceit, cruelty…) can usher itself in. At that moment, someone else has the ability to take that vulnerability, turn around and blindside you with hurt. We all take a risk when we open a door to reveal something to others and I don’t think I’m alone in feeling a certain fear of someone catching me off guard. Journal, diaries, blogs…they’re all the same to me. You never really know how or what someone is feeling/thinking unless they tell you. That’s what those things do; they tell you a person’s feelings and opinions. That’s what makes it a sign of vulnerability.

People write for a variety of reasons. My purpose is to get all of this stuff out of my head. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by thoughts and emotions that I’m not sure what to do. So, I write. Scribble on napkins, old receipts, gum wrappers, envelopes, and scraps of ripped paper. A blog is my attempt to keep all of the scribbles in one place for once. Keyword is attempt. I can be all over the place and no place all at the same time. Hopefully, I can gain some insight about myself and this crazy life I live by doing this and maybe someone else can find some comfort or clarity for themselves through my ramblings.